The Second Setting

A few months ago I was doing some training at a conference for new cross cultural workers here in Europe. One of the presenters was Jennie Hatchel who works on a team focusing on the Roma people group. You should check out the cool stuff they do here.

She did a presentation entitled “The Second Setting”.  As I sat there and listened it really made sense to me.  I asked her if she would be willing to write up this idea and you will find it below. As you think about being salt and light in intentional ways this idea should be kept in mind. Enjoy and thank you Jennie for writing it.

In the cloakroom of my children’s preschool, I followed the cultural custom of changing them from their street clothes to their school clothes.  As each new parent and child entered, they would say “Good day” to the group, but the only other noise in the room was the hushed whispering of parents encouraging their children to hurry along.

After several weeks I had exchanged little more than a few words about the weather with some of the parents.  My frustration grew over my lack of developing relationships. Then, one day while shopping in our neighborhood grocery store, I noticed one of the mothers from my son’s class.  I said, “hello” and to my surprise she began to talk.  Within a few minutes we had an invitation to visit in her home.

I had a similar experience with the parents at my children’s ice skating class.  While we all spent the hour that the children skated huddled around the edge of the rink trying to stay warm, there was very little interaction among the parents.  When I spoke to someone, they were polite enough, but their replies were short and I felt like I was really prying if I tried to get to know someone.  After about a month of lessons I bumped into one of the ice skating moms downtown.  She was friendly and very open.  She spoke more to me that day than in the whole previous month of lessons.

It appeared that people were more comfortable with me once they saw me in a second setting.  I began observing my interactions with others.  On many occasions I noted that others were more open with me when they had seen me in another setting.  I mentioned this observation to my husband and he shared similar experiences.  He began calling it my “theory of the second setting”.

In the past few years I have been trying to take advantage of this “theory of the second setting”.  When I notice someone from my exercise class waiting on the tram stop, I will cross the street in order to “bump into” them.  If I see someone at the post office that I recognize from my child’s swimming class, I’ll chose the longer line just to wait with them and have an opportunity to visit.  If I notice someone in the grocery store that walks their dog in the same park as we do, I’ll skip several aisles just for a chance to run into them.

While some of my difficulty in initiating relationships was cultural, the idea that seeing someone in a second setting provides more of an opportunity to develop relationships has cross-cultural relevance.  The more someone is exposed to me, the more familiar I become to them.  The more familiar I am to them, the more comfortable they are with me.  The more comfortable they are with me, the greater likelihood of us developing a relationship.

Have you noticed people are more likely to open up to you when you see them in a “second setting”?